My name: Jenna
His/Her name (& LJ name if they have one): Jon
I live: Richmond, Va
My age: 20
He/She lives: Camp Lejuene, NC
His/Her age: 22
Distance: 248 miles
Together since: October 20th 2007
We met: December 20th 2004
We get to see each other (approximately how often): He lived in Portland while we wanted to date... we never did offically, for about three years then i made "the big gester" flew 3000 miles last october and wanted to see how i felt when i was with him. We wanted to be together and we wanted to work at it and now the marine corp broght him just a mere 4 hours away from me so ill will probably be seeing him once or twice a month depending on work and if hes in the field
The pictures are on my other computer but ill update later :)
So yea i never use this anymore and i dont think any one that im friends with use it anymore either so im writting but no one will see this i dont think... well i was thinking today. Im talking to this boy that goes to CNU and hes great, hes sweet, surprises me and everything and treats me well. there is no reason for me not to like him. But once again when i feel like im getting too close i start to close up. And i hate that. its stupid and i dont understand why the hell i do it. i havent had a "real boyfriend since scott" i have had offers but just never worked out i guess. i made one guy cry the other week or so because i said that i didnt want to be with him. granted we went on one date and he became wayyyyy too attached. i feel like im afraid of commitment. maybe im just scared im going to get hurt. but nothing that dramatic has happened to me where i should be afraid. i tell people to just go for it, what do you have to lose but i cant take my own advice. maybe i like to be a flirt and just to be single and what not. but i want a relationship i guess. im a laid back girl, i dont get jealous really. i dont care who they hang out with as long as its not a hazard to them. i like this guy a lot, and i think that is what scares me. Im not use to good things i guess, im use to being let down and i always get out of things before people can leave me or let me down. blah whatever im done ranting
its bee amost three months.. and not a word has been spoken between me and him. him being scott. my heart hurts for him... it shouldnt i know. but we have such a history i just dont have the attention span for anyone.. ive hurt a few people this summer. i feel like im cold and heartless right now. he has someone new now.. and looks like from the stories that ive heard he is falling in love. and it hurts to see him smile. and its just weird to see him with someone else..
but a part of me is happy hes happy. but i miss our friendship i miss the laughs the fights. he jsut made me feel alive and all summer ive been a zombie ive felt sooo dead inside and i just go through the motions... i only went back to the yc twice this weekend and that was for maybe one night each. im missing my best friends wedding and i feel horrible but i decided to go with hockey dispit im out of shape and im still hurt a bit.... still not clear to practice. it blows balls. ive dated a lot this summer but for some reason guys are the ones getting attached to me and ive never been good at ending things. scott broke my heart and i told him not to talk to me and that was more than i bargined for... last time we made up. but i guess you cant rely on that all the time that things are always going to work out..... maybe i thought that i was safe with him. we just got along so well. we loved all the same things... yet we came from two different complete worlds. i dont know this new girl but i heard she has a good heart. a part of me wants her to hurt him to see what he did to me. but i dont know if i could see him hurt it would piss me off. he leaves soon for penn state and i wanted to go and see him but that shit just didnt work out. he was my best friend. we were attached at the hip and it ended just as quickly as we began. i was angry with him and said things that i didnt mean... havent we all. i feel like i should be the one that makes up with him but im just soo hard headed and stubborn. and i feel like if i do im looking desperate or something and i just dont want to come off like that... but its genuine. i miss having that constant thing in my life. its been 3 months... 90 days.. 1/4 of a year. i havent spoken to him. it makes me sick to think about. i just wish he would break the ice and jsut say hey that would do it for me.. .and i dont care he has a girfriend... im not looking for that from him.. i just want his friendship to be how we were before all the complications started. i want my boy. back.... i want to argue with him laugh cry he was my other half... he said he wanted to marry me.. .how does that happen and then this. i just dont get it. maybe i should break down and make mends before he goes. but i dont know... im scared he will just shove me off cause hes bitter to me i have no idea
hes always going to have a place in my heart, always.
what to do?
Holy crap.. im offically exclusive with scott brubaker.. that took a long time. im a very happy girl.
for the first time, i know what it is....
scott: we are getting married in three years ok?
Me: why would you want to marry me?
Scott: because i do
M: and what am i suppose to do just move to penn state when i get out?
s: well i dont know where we will live yet
m: wont you still be in school?
s: hopefully not. we should be just getting out
m: oh yea right.
s: but i wont have any money im warning you
m: i wouldnt marry you for your money anyways, where are we going to get married?
sccott: the moon.
me: but we dont have any money
scott: fuck then wal-mart.
so that might of just scared the crap out of me, i dont know what to think, i love him. but it took me a while to space myself and i took a two month break from him, and it took him to apologize to me and all that until i would come around again. i know he cares about me, but im just too scared to fall back into what we were, hes leaving for penn state in the fall and ill be up here all summer, hes helping me move in may to my new apartment. i wonder if we will still be talking in three years or not. we make plans on when we are going to see eachother, and it will prolly be just as often as i see him now. but just blah... its hard. im going home soon so ill see him in about two weeks or so. there have been a few guys here who have offered to take me out but i cant get myself to do so, i feel like im cheating but im not, we arent techniclly together. so what the hell am i suppose to do. i love him and i cant open up to anyone else until hes out of my system but i dont know if i want him to go away...
on another note. im on crutches still hopefully off friday, sad that i cant play right now, im going insane to say the least. my stomache hurts a lot right now. so im going to go i have practice in a little bit oh what fun...
first kisses are the best
my uncle has been diagnosed with cancer in three places
another uncle is being put into an 'ahospis'
my dad wont return my phone calls
i cant go back home to yorktown
no one is here
im so alone and at my weakest point.